Hazy Head's Lament

You know… for kids

Fuck Energy Companies

If you’re in the northern hemisphere the days are getting darker. It’s getting colder and soon all the trees will be kicking off their leaves and going to sleep.

So I’ve woken up! Hello everyone, how’s it going? Who cares? Actually someone does care. Not me, obviously, but someone important finally gives a shit about you. And it’s a politician.

I kid you not people. Red Ed is back and everybody can rejoice. Apart from  energy companies but we’ll get to that. So times are still tough, right? Living is pretty expensive, getting to the places that pay you is expensive and lord knows eating is expensive; and what with the obesity epidemic and all it’s clear you fat fucks need more food than ever!

And what’s worse, worse than any of this is that energy company executives might make less money under a Labour government. Holy fucking crap, I hope all you  ignorant fuckers out there know what this means. Nevermind horsemen rich people making slightly less money is the true sign of the beginning of the end.

Former trade minister under Gordon Brown, Digby  Jones, who knows all about this kind of stuff on account of his helping fuck up the economy as trade minister under Gordon Brown, explains very clearly that:

“The sheer damage it [Ed’s “socialist policies”] will do to the economy does not bear thinking about,” seriously don’t think about it, because if you think about it for more than ten seconds you might realise that it’s bullshit. I’ll explain why in a minute but Digby isn’t finished. “They [energy companies] are talking that this will be the end of the energy market – it’s far more dangerous. This is sheer, unbridled socialism. He is going to hijack the organs of management.”

Woohoo! About fucking time! If this is the case I literally couldn’t be happier. Go on Ed! Unbridled socialism? Yes please! Hijack the organs of management? What so they can stop screwing us over every six months in order to make themselves richer? Fuck yes! Please do! Energy companies shouldn’t need profit. They just need to make sure everyone has energy while trying to find better, more efficient ways of getting that energy. The end of the energy market? What the market that determines how much they can get away with raising costs above inflation while making record profits? Oh no, what a disaster!

OK people this is a serious battleground that Ed Miliband had opened up. A genuine, this will determine the future of our country and who it looks after problem that needs to be committed to. The energy companies have a lot of money, which they made from raising energy prices above inflation every year since they were privatised, they will use this money to throw everything at Ed Miliband. They have already and will continue to threaten that price freezes will lead to blackouts, to freezing jobs, closing power stations and eventually push up prices even further. It’s bullshit. They are interested only in protecting top level salaries and bonuses.

The first thing they will do is freeze basic pay for the lowest earning employees. Then they may try to cut jobs and close power stations. They will do this before even thinking about accepting lesser wages at the top. They will claim these cuts are forced on them. This is bullshit. They will do everything in their power to stop earning more money than they could possibly need and they will blame it on price freezes. But with conviction and steel, the same steel every Briton has shown throughout the years of austerity we will get to a better place. A place where energy companies are responsible and look out for the consumer. For you and me. They cannot and will not be able to stop selling energy. Without us they have no customers. Ed Miliband is right to enforce price freezes when everyone (who it actually affects) is suffering. We must back him to the hilt. 

David Cameron claims Britain is in a global race. Why? Who are racing and for what purpose? As Ed Miliband says, this is “a race to the bottom”, a con trick to make the rich richer and the poor poorer. This is true. Genuinely it is. Think about it for just a moment. The economy is recovering, there’s growth and there’s jobs. But look at it closer. The economy is being repaired by easy credit lent to first time buyers, which is driving up house prices. Sound familiar? That’s because it’s the same thing that led to the recession in the first place. Are you a homeowner in London? Are you’re benefiting from house price inflation? Has your pay increased above inflation? When was the last time it did? Are you making enough money to support yourself with a zero hour contract?

So if the economy is getting better, and there is more money around, where is it? Well it’s the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer. Ed Miliband wants to cap energy prices for a couple of years while ordinary people recover from the worst ever recession. Energy companies and Tories will say this way leads to madness. To socialism. Will ruin the recovery…

Fuck energy companies.

Go on Ed.   

A surly blog about stuff and things

For once I’m not even going to try and make this humourous. I’m going to write about what it says this blog is supposed to be about in the title. A very surly blog about stuff and things.

Why am I so surly on a bank holiday weekend? Because this weekend is only a temporary relief. The effects of ‘Black Monday’ will last a lot longer than that.

I’m not going to go into the minutae of the drastic cuts about to hit the people the government promised they wouldn’t when just enough fools voted for them to allow them to share power with a that man from Charlie Brooker’s 1st series of Black Mirror. (Where is Nick Clegg by the way? No claims about mediation this time? That might be because he hasn’t done anything and it turns out he’s just as powerless as we all knew him to be. I guess now he knows now too.)

 Anyway I’m not going to go into the minutae of the cuts there are proper journalists for that and this isn’t a blog about news it’s a blog about stuff and things.

Admittedly most of the time those stuff and things have been America’s foibles but they’ve actually got what passes for a decent human being in power over there. We’ve got a pack of fraudsters intent on finishing the job the bankers started.

That’s right David Cameron, George Osbourne, Iain Duncan Smith and that Dr Who villian of a woman Teresa May are not interested in fixing the economy. If they were they might take measures to fix it. That’s why George Osbourne looks so unconcerned when it’s pointed out to him that all he’s done is made things worse, he’s not there to fix anything, he’s there to continue siphoning off funds into his friends’ pockets.

You see the economy and national deficit are a convenient excuse to making it easier for rich people to take even more from poor people. The poorer the better apparently. That’s why the deficit is growing and the economy isn’t. Not a single measure has been put in place to fix anything other than to pave the way for privatisation.

It’s a fancy word privatisation isn’t it? Doesn’t really explain what it means though does it? Privatisation means allowing a company to pay for the right to make money of things you need. Things like health care or legal advice when your told that you can’t get any health care because you can’t afford it. You can’t afford it because you couldn’t afford to get a bus to the jobcentre and so you walked but you were late and they told you that because  you were late they were’nt going to pay you. And when you said it was because you walked they will tell you that because you walked you no longer qualify for incapacity benefit and when you explain that you need that to pay for your medical bills because health care  has been privatised they will turn you away because that their policy. You go to the Citizen’s Advice Bureau. It’s empty and the building is being sold to a company that finds out if you were missold PPI. You weren’t. You have nowhere to go and have no idea what to do. You look around. You see hundreds of others just like you. We’re all in this together.

That’s what they are doing. They’re selling off hospitals even though they promised the NHS was would be safe. Nothing’s safe. The governments cracked it. They’re in the vault and they’re grabbing everything they can. By the time the next election comes round it will all be gone.

It’s not funny. This is not a joke. This is not just a surly blog about stuff and things. This is an angry and heartbroken rant about one of the richest countries in the world being taken for everything it’s got. You’re not the poorest people in the country. You wouldn’t be reading this if you were because you wouldn’t have a computer. But once they’ve had their pockets emptied Osbourne’s greedy eyes will turn to you like a character in a famous film. I warn you now: Soon he will ask you for it. The fat one will take it from you. He will take it from all of us. 

America, sit down, it’s time for a talk.

Dear America

What do you think we’re here to talk about today? Hmm? Guns. Of course we are. I think it’s about time you stopped playing with them. Now, now, now before you start getting all upset lets a have a little think about why legal assault rifle ownership isn’t really that necessary to the smooth running of a free democracy, which I think is what you call that bi-polar autocracy called two-party politics.

Anyway when one lives in a free country certain things should be taken as a given. Free speech is a good one isn’t it? A nice easy to grasp concept like free speech. I am free to write this and you are free to read it. Wonderful.

How about general freedom? Freedom to not be owned by anyone else is another good freedom isn’t it? What about the freedom to own other people? Well no one is free to do that because people are not allowed to be owned. Indeed their freedom to not be owned is greater than their freedom to own other people. This is a good thing isn’t it? I think we can agree that slavery is a bad thing even if we have to curtail people’s freedom to be slavers.

You see concepts like freedom are relative. Absolute freedom means being able to do whatever you want but that might encroach on the freedom of other people. For instance if one was completely free they could kill whoever they wanted without consequences but any person they killed would not have been free from being killed. So there are two types of freedom:

Freedom to – do whatever you want.
Freedom from – anyone else doing whatever they want to you.

The trick of a large society is to achieve the maximum amount of both. This is why grown-up countries have made guns illegal and less people die every day because of gun violence. Yes people are not free to own guns, so some of their freedom has been curtailed, but people are also free to not be killed by bullets, including having their children killed by bullets, so some of their freedom is being enhanced.

I admit that I have generally stayed away from this topic because it seems like one that America really needs to come to terms with on its own but then I read some quotes from Bruce Willis and I realised that Americans have absolutely no idea what the issue is. Allow me to explain…

Bruce Willis said, “I think that you can’t start to pick apart anything out of the Bill of Rights without thinking that it’s all going to become undone … If you take one out or change one law, then why wouldn’t they take all your rights away from you?”

Well that’s a bit paranoid Brucie wouldn’t you say? Why wouldn’t they take all your rights away from you? Well why would they? Who are they? Didn’t at least a basic majority of the population vote for they? Has it gotten to the point where the they that you vote for are so evil that without the Bill of Rights they would tear away civil liberties with gleeful abandon? Dude, vote for different people. And anyway they built Guantanamo Bay to lock away anyone they weren’t sure about, flouted their own military regulations to torture people and have ensured for decades that there are people in prison who are still awaiting trial years after they were arrested. Bruce I don’t think the right to bear arms is doing much good at preventing the government or whoever from taking away your rights any time they want.

But also Brucie what about your right not to have your children murdered by a madman?

“It’s a difficult thing and I really feel bad for those families,” he said. “I’m a father and it’s just a tragedy. But I don’t know how you legislate insanity. I don’t know what you do about it. I don’t even know how you begin to stop that.”

Well this one is a bit easier isn’t it? You could start with making it illegal to own or purchase guns. That way you can legislate against the probability of someone with serious mental problems getting a gun and shooting people. You see Brucie that is how you legislate insanity and how you stop insane people shooting lots of other people. You all take a hit and say is it worth me having the right to own or purchase high powered assault rifles with little or no regulation and a minimal waiting period and background check if the same thing that protects my right to do also protects the right of any madman with a murderous plan?

No you bloody morons no it isn’t!

How many more people, children especially, need to die before you get that in to your heads? Stop listening to the NRA, they are working on behalf of arms companies who want to be able to keep selling their wares to you so that they can keep posting profits. Of course they don’t want guns to be made illegal they’re making too much money. They don’t care about your rights or civil liberties they want you to buy guns.

So America, this is why the rest of the world looks at you with their head slightly tilted and a strange uncomprehending expression on their face. We have all come to the conclusion that we would rather be more free from being shot than free to shoot. And it’s time you got with the programme because in places where guns are illegal a lot less people die from being shot by madmen with guns. This is not a coincidence.

We’re not going to invade you. China’s not going to invade you (trust me they don’t need to they’ve already bought most of your debt, soon enough they’ll own you and guns won’t do a thing to stop that). Russia is too busy taking heroin.

It’s okay put the guns away and grow up.

A brief history of monotheism

Now I know I said I wasn’t going to write anything about religion but then I also asked that readers abstain from making comments. Well they didn’t so here is a little history lesson.

God’s super bored one day so he makes a universe. Then he makes animals and plants. Then he makes a man. Everything gets really dirty really quickly so he makes a woman. He gives them short names so they’ll remember them. Then he says do what you want but don’t eat that particular fruit… Just don’t ok stop asking so many questions. Obviously they eat the fruit. God gets angry and says, ‘outside this garden are loads of murderers and thieves and unpleasant people that just happen to completely unexplainably be there. Go say hi.’

Some years later…

1. Judaism

And God said to Abraham ‘I like your style dude, coming out of the east and looking all Western and Northern European and stuff, pretty cool. Who me? Yeah I’m like a bush that’s totally on fire that’s started talking to you. Yeah inhale my fumes homie, pretty pungent right?

‘Anyway here’s the deal, so round here there’s like lots of Gods and they’re all losers. Seriously couldn’t perform a miracle if the belief in them depended on it. Not like me dog I’m the real deal. I can do mad miracles… like what? Excuse me son but I’m pretty sure you’re talking to a bush that’s on fire. Sounds pretty miraculous to me so stop asking so many questions. Listen there’s this super nice plot of land south-west from here, you like milk and honey right? Yeah you know you do, everyone likes milk and honey, lactose intolerance hasn’t even been invented yet. What was I saying? Oh yeah so this land is yours if you want it and can get rid of the squatters. One thing though, you got to kill your eldest son. It’s about respect, have faith in me player…

‘Yo Abe what you doing with that knife. No dude I just wanted to see if you’d actually do it. You would of, though, so you and yours are my boys forever. I promise that land is yours until the end of the world. It’s going to be sweet. One last thing though. You start messing around with those other Gods there’s going to be trouble. Peace.’

So that’s that through pretty much the rest of Genesis and sure enough the House of Abraham, now calling themselves Jews and supporting Tottenham Hotspur Football Club, start messing around with other Gods and the milk and honey run out and there’s only lemons left and the Jews bail.

In Egypt the Jews are working for free and getting whipped a lot more than really seems necessary so they come to a decision that being slaves sucks balls. Luckily one of them who isn’t even a slave is walking along when out of nowhere a bush bursts into flames and starts talking to him.

‘Ok I’m finished being pissed off with you guys, I think you’ve suffered enough, time to go home. What? Just ask nicely I’m sure the Pharaoh’s a reasonable man and I won’t have to do anything drastic…’

Ten plagues and a collapsed sea later…

‘Ok this time I’m setting some ground rules. These 10 things, what? I like the number 10 stop asking so many questions. Anyway these 10 things are like properly serious. You break these we’re not friends anymore ok? Oh by the way I’m designating the guys in the jeans to come up with a few more rules but you don’t have to take these rules quite as seriously for another two religions. Huh? Never mind about that, stop asking so many questions’.

613 rules later…

Probably 1000 years later… A white baby is born in a stable in the coldest part of a Palestinian winter. Three paedophiles bring sweets so they can look at him. The mother swears she’s still a virgin. Her husband says he hasn’t got his yet and looks angrily at people when they stare at him with their eyebrows raised.

2. Christianity

‘No, no, no, the reason the Romans are here is because y’all haven’t been following the rules. Look it’s easy. Follow the 10 big ones and do your best with 613 smaller ones. No stop throwing stones at people. Don’t look at me like that. Don’t tell me you’ve never coveted anything your neighbour has. Yes you. That’s what I thought. I know I’m the whitest thing around for 3000 miles, stop asking so many questions. I know there are a lot of rules and sometimes they can be hard to follow. It’s ok you’re only human. Adam and Eve only had one rule and they still broke it. That’s not the problem. The thing to remember is to say sorry afterwards. Like you mean it.

‘Whoa, whoa, whoa, not all at once, damn not a single one hasn’t broken a rule? I’m going to have to get a box that people can go and confess into.

‘The Promised Land? Well this is still the Promised Land. Yeah I know the Romans are building straight roads everywhere. The thing is there’s this other Promised Land. Oh yeah super great. Thing is you have to be really good and then when you die you get to go there. What do you mean never mentioned an afterlife? What do you mean afterlife is a Greco-Roman concept and it’s rather convenient that I’ve chosen to adopt it into this particular monotheistic belief around the time the Promised Land is occupied by Roman forces. It’s just a coincidence, stop asking so many questions.

‘Yes it does hurt actually. I also think the crown of thorns and stab in the ribs is unnecessarily violent. Yes I think that Seder probably was the worst one ever. Dying for your sins? Well I haven’t done anything wrong so they’re certainly not my sins. I guess that means I am dying for your sins. Thanks. No it’s cool I worked out this great surprise for the third day after I’ve bled out. After I’m gone? Might go to America and chat to some weirdo by the really unimaginative name of Joe Smith. What’s America? Never mind it’s a surprise. Stop asking so many questions.

‘Oh by the way can I make one last request? Now I know you lot want to worship me instead of God even though I distinctly remember telling you not to but whatever I forgive you. Anyway I know that the Romans crucified me but what I’d like you do is forget that and allow them to put the centre of this new religion in Rome. Never mind why, stop asking so many questions.’

Several centuries later…

3. Islam

[I know you’re not really supposed to say anything about Islam because lots of people get very upset and start making all sorts of threats but this is a trilogy and trilogy without its 3rd act isn’t a trilogy at all… it’s just the original and its sequel.]

‘So there I was just minding my own business, sitting in this cave thinking about stuff. Huh? Oh definitely not about religions that I’ve come across in my travels. Do you know I can’t even read? Who’s who? What books? I don’t see any books. Stop asking so many questions. So anyway there I was when out of nowhere this Angel appeared to me and told me about this new religion.

‘Who? Oh them no I don’t think it has anything to do with them. So anyway it turns out there’s only one God and he’s really angry. Oh really? Did they? Lucky guess I suppose. No he wasn’t one of them I think it’s just a coincidence. So he says there’s like 10 big rules and like 613 smaller rules. What? That exact number? Strange. No I told you I can’t even read. Well how am I going to read all these books around here if I can’t even read? Who? Her? Look forget about her, she’s not even here, see I’ve covered her up. Ignore her, she’s nothing. Stop asking so many questions.

‘Well so what if they did. These 613 rules need to be taken seriously. No it’s not the same. It’s a completely different word in a completely different language.

‘That white guy? No, no, no, those guys had it all wrong. He was a prophet, not the messiah.

‘That’s it. I’m sick of all these paintings. They don’t even look like realistic. From now on I’m banning all painting of life forms, at least until you guys start getting better at it. For now just stick to words.

‘How’s that different? I’ll tell you. The first set of guys thought they were chosen above everyone else. The second set of guys said it was down to them to choose. We’re different, there will be no choice. Either you believe in the bush or you die. What? So? Stop asking so many questions.’

A tale of two really stupid countries

My reaction to the news typically runs the gamut between huh, really?, or that sounds rubbish (my choice of thought’s negative adjectives is usually of the four letter variety but after the sweary train piece last week I’m trying to take a break from profanity).

Most recently however my reaction to two separate news stories pretty much joined them all up. My thought process became: huh? Really? That is both revoltingly terrible and mind-breakingly stupid. In this case my revulsion and annoyance comes from two countries that need to take a long hard look at themselves and ask if they really think their behavior is appropriate for civilizations of their age.

In the first instance, and admittedly rather unsurprisingly, is that old chestnut the USA. Guns. Gun control. The National Rifle Association. Sigh.

I don’t think I need to go into the statistics as a quick Google search will offer them up nice and obviously. Of course in countries where owning a gun is pretty much illegal a lot less people die from gun related activities like shooting bullets at people, which is surprisingly difficult if you don’t have a gun. But this isn’t about people shooting children or teenagers or anyone they feel like at any time they want because they can get an extremely powerful weapon at short notice with little or no questions asked. No, according to the NRA it’s not about that. It’s about the liberal, Muslim-loving, crazy science believing, evidence trusting, life-controlling evil government with their sinister unknown agendas trying to take away the honest, God-fearing, evolution and climate change distrusting working man and loving family’s freedom. Obviously. What better representation of freedom could there possibly be than the national availability of military-grade assault rifles to the general public?

I’m done. Not with this blog or even this post, there’s even more rants to come in this baby. No I’m done with the NRA and every single American who agrees with them. I’m done with every American who thinks Creationism is a Science let alone a credible alternative to evolution. I’m done with every American who wears their ignorance and prejudice like a badge of honour. I’m done with every American who thinks it’s unfair for the richest people in the country to pay more tax than the poorest. With every American who thinks that health care is a privilege not a right. The NRA, the Republicans, the Creationists and every single proud ignorant piece of shit that allies himself or herself with Christian Right. Y’all can do one. Idiots.

What’s worse is that they must know that everyone thinks they’re idiots and they don’t care. They should be ashamed.

Another country that should be ashamed of themselves is Pakistan. Now I know this is going to be more controversial than picking on dumb Americans because at this point I might end up accused of intolerance or racism. Well I don’t care. Fuck Pakistan. They have gone on for too long behaving disgracefully and it’s about high time someone said something about how shit it is. So here are five reasons why someone should just invade Pakistan and sort them out.

1. The men love throwing acid on women for the most absurdly petty reasons. They need to stop doing this and if they won’t then another country should invade them and punch any perpetrator or anyone that thinks it is acceptable behavior repeatedly in the groin. Repeatedly.

2. They shoot little girls for wanting to go to school. This is despicable not just because they shoot little girls (and indeed shooting anyone is pretty awful) but because they are promoting ignorance and that slows down progress for humanity as a whole. And that’s selfish.

3. They host training camps for terrorists. Terrorists and terrorism suck.

4. They’re constantly blowing stuff up, shooting people and generally treating women abysmally. All of this has to stop and if invasion achieves this it will have been worth it.

5. They harboured Osama Bin Laden, about which their security service must have known and was probably complicit, all the while letting NATO think he was in Afghanistan thus letting their neighbour suffer even more, which on its own is pretty lame. Combine this with their corrupt, lying two-timing government and secret service and you get a country that really needs a good talking to.

Pakistan, you should be ashamed.

Paying for wars with libraries, and rail rage: pissed off in two parts (warning: contains sweary rants)

What’s this, another post? That’s right reader I don’t go back to work until Wednesday and I’m bored. I’m also pissed off.

Now lots of things annoy me, from hipsters to bad grammar (oh yes I am the life of any party) but few things make me genuinely angry.

The first thing that makes me genuinely angry is the coalition lie that public spending under the New Labour government is the reason the UK has such a large deficit. This is not true, not even a little bit. EMA, Academies, nurses and teacher pensions did not put this country into the red. The Iraq and Afghanistan wars did.

Now I am not going to make a moralistic stand on whether or not we were right to join America in it’s terrorist hunt in the middle east although I might point out that Iraq is over a 1000 miles from Pakistan (where I am sure you will remember Osama bin Laden was found and ‘eliminated’). Indeed I might also put out there that the Iraq war was nothing to do with 9/11 and everything to do with settling old scores, which does sort of bear the question why Tony Blair felt the need to get involved. Nevermind, Saddam Hussain is dead and he was an arsehole so that’s as far as I’ll delve into the matter.

Afghanistan, oh dear. The Afghanistan war is one that has dragged on in the same way Vietnam dragged on. And for that matter how Afghanistan dragged on for both the Soviets in 80’s and the British in the C19th. Any conflict in Afghanistan is quite simply the Oxford English Dictionary’s favourite new word… an Omnishambles. The attempt to succeed as an invasive occupationary ground force in Afghanistan at any period in modern history is to invite such a huge omnishambles that Malcolm Tucker’s head would explode before he found the right amount and combination of profanities to even acceptably describe it. For 10 years the UK and the US have plunged trillions of resources and thousands of lives into an invasion that quite simply will never work, that even now we can’t quite tear ourselves away from despite pledges to withdraw. In order to explain the futility of a ground invasion of Afghanistan I would direct you to the incredibly clear documentary by Rory Stewart The Great Game (2012) which does a better job than I ever could.

Now I’m not saying the Taliban are better people, they’re not. But this is a war the US and UK could never win and so should never have fought and it is the single biggest factor in the huge deficits that have decimated our public services.

Politicians won’t admit it because they don’t want to offend the armed forces that have sacrificed so much but it was a pointless war with an obvious outcome and had it not been waged hundreds of thousands would still be alive and you’re local library would still be open.

Now all of that cannot be blamed squarely at the coalition, merely the lie that public services led to their own downfall.

The second thing that really pisses me off can, however, be levelled squarely at the coalition (and probably also Thatcher), and although it will seem slightly petty after the previous rant it really, really pisses me off.

Trains.

That’s right, Trains. And Train Companies. First (train company) I’m mostly looking at you but pretty much all other train companies as well. Fucking scumbags all of you. David Cameron and Simon Burns, you too, fucking scumbags for letting those fucking scumbags force the public to spend what little money they have left on your shit fucking trains. Boris Johnson you bumbling, sinister PR butplugged twat you get off your bike and come in for this too. All of you should be sentenced to having 20% of your earnings taken away and forced to get the First Capital Connect train at 8am and 6pm everyday from and to Slough. How the fuck are train companies getting subsidised by public money and then allowed to raise train fares above inflation every year and still do absolutely nothing to improve the service or pay its employees more? You, David Cameron, George Osbourne, Simon Burns and Boris Johnson, are allowing train companies to mug everyone, yourselves included. What the fuck? Everytime I get the bus and tube, everytime some poor sap from the sticks gets up a 6am to get some overcrowded and irrepressibly shit train into the city you fuckers are allowing train companies to hold us up and take our wallets. It is no bloody wonder Richard Branson wants to get his hands on that train line. The whole goddamn system is a fucking goldmine. How is it costing commuters £2500 a year to get to work? You can buy the most expensive season ticket at the most expensive football stadium in the world for less than the cost of getting to and from work for a year.

Thanks David Cameron, Simon Burns, George Osbourne, Boris Johnson and Nick Clegg. Thanks a bunch you fucking scumbags.

That is all.

Something about politics

I am pretty sure I once wrote that I would write something about politics. The problem, it turned out, was that life kept getting in the way and this, I think, is the problem with politics.

Allow me to explain…

You see when I started this blog I had just graduated and I was unemployed so I thought, ‘what incredibly clichéd post-modern time-wasting futile exercise can I engage in that isn’t a videogame?’ It was at this time, July or August, and Fifa 13 hadn’t come out yet and Fifa 12 was getting stale. So I had all these ideas about writing a blog and getting twitter and advertising myself over a variety of social media websites in the misguided belief that like some hopeful but painfully lonely 13-year-old boy with a hidden talent someone would notice me. The only problem is that I’m an adult and have as yet not discovered any talents, hidden or otherwise.

Anyway my point is with all that unemployment time on my hands I was able to write like 3 things. One about how I was going to write about sport and politics and two about sport. Then I got a job (internship) and Fifa 13 and I had no time to write about sport or pretend to write about politics.

Finally the Christmas period ushered in the end of the world, only it turned out it was just the end of the year and we all got some time off work and I got to thinking about sport and politics… again.

The thing with politics is that if you have a real life you just don’t have time to care enough about it to really understand what’s been going on. This is why all politicians are rich people who don’t have to work and all political commentators are academics that no one can be bothered to listen to, or students that most people have confused with teenagers and therefore not worth listening to. And anyway students are like people on benefits because they watch Jeremy Kyle instead of This Morning or BBC Breakfast.

That these are all generalisations is exactly the point because politics is so time-consuming that we’ve been convinced that we’ll only be able to understand simple generalisations.

Thus we have come to a point in our collective understanding of politics that is all about generalisations… all politicians are liars. No one likes politicians. Politicians are like lawyers except that they don’t even bother to give you back your compensation when they win on ‘your behalf’.

Only some of this is true of course. Politicians are both smart and stupid and it is very frustrating, no more so than in the old (but actually not that old) US of A. You see in America they have convinced everyone that democracy means two parties full of very rich people making the most humongous generalisations ever. This is extremely impressive because they can say that if you aren’t one you are the other. It is very clever yet incredibly simple at the same time and is to be both admired and despised. Let me give you an example.

If you think that gun control in America is too soft then you are a Democrat and a liberal and therefore you must also believe in… Pro-Choice, Social Welfare, Equal Opportunities, Gay marriage, Cannabis legalisation (and ALL OTHER DRUGS!), Unlimited Immigration, Regulated Markets, Free Love and COMMUNISM! You must vote for the Democrat party.

On the other hand if you think that the right to bear arms is one of the more important amendments to the constitution then you are a Republican and a conservative and therefore you must also believe in… Pro-Life, Spending Cuts, Free Trade, De-regulation, low tax, ‘Christian family values’, Zero Tolerance and the Death Penalty. You must vote for the Republican party.

You see in America there is no middle ground, you can either believe wholly in one ideal and everything that it encompasses or you can believe in the opposite.

What works so well in this two-party system is that when you are fed up with one party you just vote for the other. This is what the newspeople call the undecided middle, or Ohio. In the UK this is called the middle class. And in Western Civilisation this is what is meant by Freedom and Democracy –  the ability to choose between one party or the other. The greatest achievement of the modern Western Political System is to convince enough people the two parties are different enough to be separate from each other and general enough as to negate the general recourse to an alternative party or ideology. In America on a national level politics has become so two-sided that no other alternative to the two parties is ever accredited, while in the UK to devote ones time to an alternative party is to be either racist (BNP, UKIP), naive (Green Party) or just grossly misled (LibDem). Indeed the greatest trick is to convince through nothing more than media control and generalisations that democracy and freedom is represented by a list of options that consist of A. B. or None of the above.